


They Come First

by Beanenigma



Category: Bloodlines Series - Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Post Bloodlines, new generation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:00:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27142132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beanenigma/pseuds/Beanenigma
Summary: The years pass and life in Court is good. With Lissa as queen, there is an unprecedented time of peace among the Moroi.But when an unexpected threat dares to destroy it tall, Rose is going to have to do her best to protect the Dragomir heir.
Relationships: Dimitri Belikov/Rose Hathaway, Lissa Dragomir/Christian Ozera
Comments: 20
Kudos: 26





	1. When Gold rusts, what can Iron do?

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the fic that kept me awake at night for a couple of weeks until I wrote it.  
> Hope you like it!  
> (Contains spoilers to Bloodlines!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of the chapter comes from the prologue to the Canterbury Tales (https://www.sparknotes.com/nofear/lit/the-canterbury-tales/general-prologue/page_13/)

The night that hell broke loose looked like any other night. If anything, it was more boring than usual. 

I got up, got ready for work, presented myself to Lissa. She barely had time to breathe that day - there was some Very Important Dinner happening - and as always, she preferred to make sure everything was ready herself instead of delegating anything. Perfectionism was a trait of hers that was only getting worse with age. 

“You’re good to watch Ali tonight, right?” She had asked when we stopped at her quarters for lunch. 

“For the last time, Liss” I said with a calm smile. “I’m always good to watch Ali.” 

“He’s been so clingy lately… I wish I could just take him with me at all times.” 

While servants put food on the table and I checked around, Lissa went to the nursery and came back carrying the young man in question. Alistair Dragomir Ozera was eight months old, owner of a very steady neck and the world’s most worried dad. 

“That’s why I’m here.” Said Christian, the dad in question, following her out of the nursery. “I get to take him with me all I want.” 

“No need to gloat.” Lissa showed him her tongue, but smiled. Alistair tried to grab her tongue, but failed when she pulled it in again. “Did you and daddy have fun this morning while mommy slaved away in tedious party planning?” 

“Fun is an understatement.” Dimitri whispered, stopping next to me against the wall. I felt a smile spread on my face, but didn’t move, eyes still following everyone who was serving lunch. “I still haven’t met a man so in love with being a parent as Christian.” 

“Gender stereotypes who?” I replied, to which he chuckled. “I’m getting baby duty tonight. You’ll be at the party, right?” 

“Sure will. It will be nice to switch for a change. I’m starting to smell like baby powder.” 

“I don’t really mind, honestly.” I finally spared him a look. He looked as dazzling as he had looked on our wedding day, even if there were clear signs of baby spit in his uniform. He would always send small hints that he might want one someday. “I prefer this to the cologne of those lords any day of the week. Prince Badica really needs to get it together.” 

He smiled and his eyes were drawn to the family sitting down for lunch. It wasn’t that weird anymore, to watch while my friends had lunch, but it had taken a while for Lissa and I to get used to this arrangement after eating together our whole lives. As time passed, however, things tended to fall into place. I would eat later, during my break in which someone would cover for me. 

Lissa and Christian sat each on one side of Alistair in his high chair. Lissa might be the monarch to all of the Moroi, but in this house, it was Alistair who was the boss. A wave of his bun-like hand was a command. A single grunt would make his parents bend over backwards to make him smile again. A child so loved had never lived before. I was glad to see my friends so happy. 

For a night that began so well… It was surprising how terrible it ended. 

“You’re going to be late…” 

I said, looking out the window, seeing all of the well dressed royals on the way to the party parlor, floors beneath us. 

Lissa was bent over Alistair’s cradle, humming softly while she caressed his smooth dark hair. He’d been asleep for a while, but as usual, she had a hard time letting him go. She was already in her dress and make up, her crown glinting under the nightlight. 

“Ah.” She raised her eyes for the window and bit her lip. I didn’t need any bond to tell me what she was thinking. 

“He’ll be fine. He’s been sleeping the whole night for a while now.” Christian wouldn’t stop talking about it for a week once it happened the first time. Dimitri and I joked about it for about the same time. “He probably won’t even know you’re gone.” 

“I know.” She said weakly, her eyes never leaving her son. “But I’ll know.” 

I walked up to her and touched her shoulder. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

This is a question I’d never thought I’d have to ask, but that I’d been asking a lot the past few years. It was our way of holding on to our past, to what brought us here. It was more than a question, it was a promise. That even if our bond was gone, we would still be connected. We still cared. 

“It will be their death anniversary soon.” I didn’t have to ask who. Her parents. Andre. It was always like this this time of year. Some things never changed. Not only the good things. 

“I know.” I said, carefully. 

She shook her head and took a deep breath. 

“I know this is the safest place in the world for him, but… I worry so much.” Lissa’s green eyes carried ghosts when she looked at her child again. This sent a chill down my spine. I knew the spirit’s influence when I saw it and I didn’t like it one bit. “There are so many who would hurt him just to get to me… Makes me wish I could just… Leave with him and never look back…” 

“Liss…” 

“I know. I know. The time.” She stood up, but this was not what I was going to say. She finally looked at me and did her best to smile. Out of nowhere, she pulled me into a rare hug. I couldn’t help but smile and hug her back. 

“Nothing is going to happen to him. I won’t let it. I promise.” 

“I know.” She said, nodding. “Thank you.”

Then, she looked one last time at her son and left. 

Alistair Dragomir could have any nanny in the Moroi world, but his mother felt safer if it was someone she trusted. So it wasn’t unusual for me to find myself in his nursery chair in my free time, playing with his toys or flipping through his books. There were other guardians on duty, and I could focus solely on the heir. 

Some days, Dimitri would come too and we would teach the kid important things, like burping and somersaulting. Ali mostly laughed and pointed. Sometimes, other people would come too. Mia. Jill. Sonya. Alistair was very young for the amount of people that loved him. He didn’t even know how lucky he was.

Tonight, however, he was sleeping like an angel, and for that I was thankful. Life in the Court was easy, but stressful. No one wants to be the one who allowed the unexpected to happen. We were always on edge, even if this was, as Lissa put it, the safest place in the world for us. I was exhausted, so I was glad to just play on my phone as Alistair snorred ever so slightly. 

I heard the guardians moving in the other room, though. I checked my watch - it wasn’t time for another round. As I was standing up to get to the door, one of them opened it first. 

“What’s going on?” 

“We got word to take the little one to a safer location.” 

“Safer?” I eyed the black-out curtains. Daylight spread under it. It couldn’t be Strigoi. “Is something going on?” 

Guardian Hazel waved the walkie-talkie he had in hand. 

“Someone found a breach on the walls. We don’t know where it came from. The party is secure, but we would feel better if the baby was somewhere less… Obvious.” 

I nodded, praying that it was something within our power to fix soon. I got Alistair’s bag and put it across my shoulders. I went to the crib and grabbed the little man, holding him close against my chest. He barely moved. Him nuzzling the fabric of my shirt was the only indication he knew he was somewhere different. 

“Emergency shelter?” I asked, trying to calm my pounding heart. Guardian Hazel was watching the window, pulling the blackout curtain just a little bit to the side. He nodded. 

“Yes. Guardian McHale will lead the way.” He pointed back to the main part of the apartment. 

I left the room and McHale waved. I followed after her, looking around the apartment. If only I knew it’d be a while until I saw it again…

McHale, another guardian and I walked out of the general halls and into the servants maintenance ones. I knew all of this by heart - the service elevators, the small stairs, the secret doors. Only building staff knew about it. It was the safest route to the emergency shelters. 

We couldn’t hear anything that was happening outside and the tension of the silence was killing me. How serious was this breach? Could Strigoi be involved? At one point, I thought I felt a rumble at some point. At first, I thought it was just my anxiety playing jokes on me. But then, it started to get warm. 

“I really don’t want to be the one to make a joke right now.” I whispered as we were climbing down a set of stairs. “But is it me or is it hot in here?” 

Of course, everyone was too worked up to reply. But the answer presented itself to us once we reached the pair of double doors that led to the emergency shelters. I think I knew then. I knew that something terrible was happening. 

“Smoke.” 

It was filling the top of the hallway, dark and putrid. I covered Alistair’s face with his blanket and started running. The guardians were right behind me. 

“The nearest outside exit! Where is it?!” I asked McHale, trying to remember it myself. 

“We just passed it.” She said, pointing to the smoke filled door, but waved us on. “But if we continue in this direction, we can get to the old stables. The garages are close to there. If we can get there, we can get Alistair out.” 

I nodded, slowly remembering the geography of the place and understanding the plan. Finally feeling the sudden moves, Alistair started fussing, and I tried my best to sound soft as I shushed him. There was still not much noise around us, but I was sure this was about to change. He calmed down for the time being and I silently thanked him for that. 

Even if the tunnels were long and spacious, they were filling with smoke quickly. We could see it gather in a cloud above us. None of us needed to be reminded of safety measures, and we continued running keeping our heads as low as we could. That didn’t stop us from coughing. 

Finally, we reached the door to the old stables that had been turned into a cute souvenir shop. When we opened the door to the storage room, that’s when he first heard it. The screams. My hands turned to ice and I grabbed firmer onto Alistair.  _ Lissa,  _ was my first thought.  _ Dimitri,  _ was second. But I had to trust that one would take care of one another. My duty was crying in my arms. 

We crossed the shop, and McHale kicked the locked door to open it. As we stepped outside, even all of our training and experience couldn’t stop us from gagging in despair. 

The Royal Court was burning. 

Like a birthday candle. Like a fireplace. Like a forest fire. Fire was consuming everything: the buildings, the trees, the people. Screams called out for help, for their loved ones. I was sure it had to be broad daylight, but the smoke made everything dark. The flames were the brightest thing around. I was so shocked I could hardly hear Alistair screaming until his little hand hit my face. 

I shook my head, grounding myself into the present. I located the garages and started running that way. McHale followed me. I don’t know what happened to the other guardian that was with us. 

Surprisingly, we found the garages intact, if not a little emptier than normal. People must’ve run as soon as they saw how big the fire was. If it was to ask for help or to protect themselves, it was hard to know. It was hard to believe something like this could be controlled. I was going for one of the royal cars when McHale pulled me down behind a car. Alistair was no longer crying, because deep coughs were shaking him. I didn’t know what was more urgent. 

“What?” I whispered. McHale looked across the hood of the car and took out her stake. 

“Someone’s in here.”

I grabbed my own stake from where I normally hid it under my pant leg. Dimitri always said to always be ready.  _ No one is going to wait until you’re in duty to cause trouble.  _ Oh, what wouldn’t I give to hear some of that zen philosophy right now?

McHale made a gesture and we started moving towards the royal cars. Two people blocked our way. Humans, it seemed. McHale went forward, her movements too quick for our attackers. I pulled back to try and go around the fight towards our goal. 

Another human blocked me. He seemed about to attack with - was that a baseball bat? - but he seemed to be thrown off his rhythm when he saw that I had a baby in my arms.  _ I should take the kid out fighting more often,  _ I thought, as I used the man’s distraction to shoot a kick to his side and then to his chest. When he fell, I grabbed his bat and ran for the car. McHale was already there, picking up the keys from where we normally left them, over the left back tire. 

“Get in!” She didn’t even have to tell me twice. 

Our car raced through the burning Court. It was like a scene from a terrible movie. It had a sickening feeling of reality that somehow made it look more surreal. This was my home. This was the place I had been living for the past six years. This was where I saw my teenage friends blossom into adulthood. Where we celebrated Lissa’s graduation, where we celebrated Christian’s fighting Moroi squad initiative when it got approved, where we changed our world a little bit every day. This was where I got married. This was the place I found love and happiness as easy as breathing. 

And now it was turning to ashes. 

“Where are we going?” 

I asked McHale. 

“Anywhere that’s not on fire. And we pick it up from there. What do you think?” 

“Fine by me.” 

Through clouds of smoke I see them: humans. Chasing after us with weapons that varied greatly. I saw rifles and whips. I saw bats covered in nails and flamethrowers - undoubtedly the cause of all of this fire. Looked like a replay of when we rescued Jill. These were no Strigoi. It was those crazy ex-alchemists. Called themselves Light Warriors. They’d been so quiet all these years, we didn’t think they’d be such a threat. At least not now. How could they have done this without us noticing? 

“Fucking bastards…” I grumble and Alistair agrees with me, crying again, pulling my clothes in search of something I couldn’t give him. “Sorry, baby. We just have to get out of here, okay? Then, I’ll give you whatever you want.” 

Ali, too young to speak any English, paid me no mind and continued to search for his mother’s breasts in another woman. 

“Shit!” McHale stopped the car and the tires burnt out. There were guards at the gates. “What should we do?” 

“What the fuck do you mean?” I look at the four men with guns. “Run them over! And fast!” 

McHale looks from me to the men, seeming to think I was crazy. Then she looked back, and saw more men approaching. She knew as well as me that we could never make it to the other gates - and they’d probably be surrounded too. 

“He comes first.” I said, waving my head towards Alistair. 

McHale sighed, her golden short hair glinting under all of the flames around us. She nodded, looking directly forward. The men lifted their weapons, finally noticing us. They’d never get a chance to shoot. 

“He comes first.” McHale stepped on the gas and we dashed towards - and over - the human guards. 


	2. Do not go gentle into that good night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Dylan Thomas' poem "Do not go gentle into that good night" that you can read here (https://poets.org/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night)

To be completely honest, I never thought I’d have to escape the Royal Court more than once in my life, running over things that were not meant to be driven on top of. But alas, that was my life. 

And whoever didn’t move out of McHale’s way got trampled like bowling pins. 

“Nice aim”, I couldn’t help but say. 

“Thanks”, she said as she continued to floor it and we raced through the road in the middle of the woods. 

“Do you think they’ll come after us?” 

I looked through the rearview mirror, but I still couldn’t see anyone. 

“I think it’s possible. It’s better to get the most distance we can. I don’t suppose you have any gas money on you?” 

I shook my head. I had plans to go straight home after the party was over. Maybe even check if Dimitri was up for something. That wasn’t even an hour ago. And now I was planning how far we could go in the least amount of time. 

“How’s the tank?” 

“Still pretty full. I think we can pass the next two cities, but I’m not sure we can make it to a third one.” 

“Let’s stop in the second city, then. They won’t expect us to. We can get rid of the car and get another one.” 

McHale nodded and that was the last we talked during the trip. 

Which was okay, because all of my attention had to be redirected to Alistair, who was still screaming like it was the end of the world. He was looking around, probably looking for a more familiar face he could manipulate into feeding him. I held him close, trying not to think about everyone we were leaving behind, bouncing him up and down until he started to calm down and quiet. 

Maybe he knew, even then. Maybe he knew that what I told his mother was true. I wasn’t going to let anything hurt him. 

We stopped in a gas station in the small town nearest to the Court so I could change Alistair and put him into something warmer. The royal baby seemed very displeased with being put into the dirtiest changing station he had ever been in. Thankfully, that bag seemed fully stocked for a baby to travel for a month and the royal butt was able to be cleaned and dressed. I made a silent thank to Christian for being so thorough. We went outside to meet McHale, who was standing next to a picnic table, eyes firm on the road. 

“Are you ready to go?” I asked She pointed with her head towards the back of the convenience store. 

“There’s a car parked in the back. A minivan. The meter is full. They’re eating inside.” 

I took a second to understand. We still had half a tank, but opportunities like these didn’t always show. We should take it. 

“Well, lead the way.” I was hoping we would have to wait a little bit more so I could feed Alistair, but it was better if we got the hell out of there as fast as we could. Him, with his tiny grimace and fussing fists, couldn’t seem to agree more. 

McHale went first, taking the bat I took from our attacker and wrapping it into her coat so it wouldn’t make a noise when she broke the window. I covered for her, keeping an eye on the convenience store, but no one came outside. She went under the panel and the car roared to life in a couple of minutes. She opened the door for me and I swept in. 

“Cigarettes,” I mumbled, looking at the amount of ash inside of the panels. The smell was almost as terrible as the one in the court. I looked at Alistair, that was as displeased as I was. “Your mom would kill me if she knew.”

“I’m sure her majesty would understand.” 

“Let’s hope she does.”

We quickly ran into another problem. The broken window let in the night air and it swished the ashes around. I put Alistair’s blanket over his head, but it didn’t help much. 

The good news is the tank was really full and we were on our way to safety. Or so we thought. 

“Well, we came this far. What now?” 

“I don’t know. No one in Court will really… Answer if we call for instructions. I think we’ll be on our own for a while.” 

Once more I had to push down a wave of  _ bad  _ that was traveling up my chest. 

“Doesn’t a Lady Badica live in the next town? Prince Badica is always talking about her. Maybe we could ask her to stay there. She wouldn’t refuse.” 

McHale bit her lip. 

“That is if they didn’t get there first.” 

I stopped, blinking slowly. She was right. If they were strong enough to try an attack on the whole court, what would stop them to hunt a small branch of a big family on the way? 

“We have to at least try… But if that doesn’t work...” I snapped my fingers, which caught Alistair’s attention. He tried to grab my fingers and I let him. The touch seemed to make him calmer. “Ah! I know! I can call my dad. He can get us some money and a place to stay.” 

“Your dad? Abe Mazur?” 

I nodded. It was the perfect plan - as perfect as it could get. I could already visualize it: spending the night at Lady Badica’s, calling my dad for a favor, going somewhere remote and secure so we could wait for instructions. 

And then, of course, our bad luck struck. 

I heard a scream: a long, mad screech, that seemed straight out of a Hollywood dystopian movie. I looked back and couldn’t believe my eyes. Someone, hanging out of the window of a speeding car, was aiming a crossbow at our minivan. One of the arrows hit the back of it, making glass rain on the trunk. 

“They’re here!” 

But McHale was already aware. She punched the gas, trying to gather distance, but their car was newer and faster and it didn’t take long until it was on our tail. 

“Get on the floor!”

I slipped between the seats to hide behind the passenger seat, holding the screaming Alistair close to my chest. Cold wind and cigarette ash rushed through us, but I didn’t dare move. 

Then, we felt a push. 

“They’re pushing us out of the road!” 

A wave of nausea went through me. This road was climbing upwards and upwards. If we went off of it, we’d descend through a long stretch of woods and end up in the river down there.

“Hold on tight!” 

I was about to ask what I was supposed to hold on to when she stepped on the breaks, pushing me hard against the back of the passenger seat. Alistair screamed louder and grabbed on to my hair. Like it was my fault! There was another sudden move, throwing my back against the door behind me, and a crash sound outside. 

“I can’t believe that worked!” McHale let out a war cry of her own. 

“Are they gone?” I tried to raise my head to spy. They were already getting small in the distance, smoke coming out of the car that had hit the rail on the edge of the road. 

“Yeah, I think I… Shit!” She tried the brakes again, but our tires slid on the wet asphalt. She turned the wheel and while we were turning I could see the car stopped in the middle of a road, parallel, guns pointed at us. I hid again behind the seat, knowing it wouldn’t be much of a shield, but it was something. McHale, however, seemed to not be out of plans. I heard the motor pick up even if I knew we were fully turned to the sides of the road. 

Then, we started falling. 

It must have been a lookout point because we didn’t hit the rail. The whole car just started shaking as we reached the ground. McHale was still desperately punching the brakes, but now our momentum was too much to stop. I looked outside and we were too fast to jump out. If we tried, we could get decapitated by branches that were breaking all over. 

It took forever and no time at all. The car stopped and I was thrown against the back of the passenger seat, blacking out for a bit. 

When I came to, water was filling up the car. 

I blinked slowly, feeling the side of my head warm. The water was flooding in through the hole the arrow had made on the back window and McHale’s open window. I took a while to find McHale, but she was completely obscured by the airbags. She wasn’t moving. My slow brain came to the conclusion that we probably had only a couple of seconds to get out of there. We had to move. I pushed the button to let McHale’s seatbelt go, but she didn’t move. 

Dimitri used to say that when you’re in moments like this, instincts come in. He said that normally, you can’t control instinct, but you can turn habit into instinct. That’s why the decision I took next was one I took fast, but one I would always regret. 

Alistair was still in my arms. Confused, scared, screaming. Lissa’s son. The little life I’d sworn to protect. At that moment, I didn’t even think of McHale anymore.  _ They come first.  _ I punched the hole until it broke further and water flooded in. I kicked the glass out and we poured out, taken by the air that took us up. 

The water was freezing, but we reached the top pretty quickly. I struggled to keep Alistair up. He blinked and gagged and spit, but looked otherwise fine. My arms, however, started shaking seconds later. Something was pulling me down, but the blood dripping from my head wouldn’t let me see and if I looked under the water I was scared I wouldn’t be able to pull myself out. 

So, against all odds, I kicked. I kicked and I kicked and I promised that, if I was going out, I was going to do it my way. Even if my fingers were turning blue, if the baby hadn’t made a sound in a while, I didn’t think about it. My mind was somewhere else. Somewhere golden and grand, where I had learned to love and to trust that I had chosen the right life. My thoughts were on silver hair, green eyes, and a haunted expression. They were on dark hair, dark eyes, and lovely hands. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was seeing ghosts again. 

And then… Then I kicked dirt. We were at the shore. 


	3. Between the instant of a wreck and when the wreck has been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is inspired by Emily Dickinson's XXIV poem, that you can read here (https://www.bartleby.com/113/5024.html)

I was laying on my side next to a lake. To many, that might sound like the perfect holiday. That is, if it wasn’t the middle of fall, if my home hadn’t just been set on fire, if I had had news from any of my loved ones since all of that happened, if my car hadn’t just been in a crash, if I hadn’t abandoned a work colleague to drown and if I hadn’t a shivering baby in my hands. Did I miss anything? 

No, I think that about covers it. Then that would have been a perfect holiday.

Drowsy, I sat down. I looked at the lake. There was no sign other than slight ondulations on the water to show that a car was travelling down to the bottom carrying a courageous young woman who sacrificed everything to save the royal child. Our guardian motto once more came to mind.  _ They come first.  _

Even if my head was bleeding from where I hit it against the passenger seat, Alistair seems fine, except for the shivering. His cute clothes are bunched up and soaking wet. But he’s alert and blinking, like he’s just expecting to be taken to a warm bath after this, like when he used one of the Court’s pools in the arms of his parents.  _ His parents.  _ A wave of emotion traveled up my throat, but I pushed it back down. I still had work to do. 

I stood up, testing my legs. They were shaking, but they should be able to hold us up. I could hear voices coming from the trail we opened. Our pursuers would be there soon. I surprised myself upon finding Alistair’s bag was still over my shoulder. I vaguely remembered the weight of something pulling me down as I swam. Dimitri would have disapproved and said I should have gotten rid of anything. But he wasn’t here and I was glad that there might be something in there to help me. 

I practically dragged us out of the pebbles and into the woods. For some reason, the temperature didn’t feel as bad there. Maybe I was just losing sensitivity. As I gained confidence I started running, making sure not to leave any trail behind. Alistair still wasn’t crying, which I didn’t know if I should be thankful for or worried about. He was just looking at me, his tiny bun-like hands grabbing my wet shirt. I had to get him warm soon. 

I ran as much as I could until the sun started to fall. I had to find shelter. I hadn’t heard any signs of the Light Warriors or whatever they called themselves since the lake, so I figured it was okay to stop. I didn’t know if it was okay to light up a fire, though, and I had a feeling we would need one. 

Finally, I found some sort of a cave protected under the roots of a tree. It was enough to protect us from the cold and whoever came from above wouldn’t be able to see the light. Hopefully, the night would hide the smoke. 

I got straight to work. First fire, then the rest. I gathered wood while still keeping Alistair next to me. His eyes were heavy, but he soldiered on, inspecting everything I did with his blue eyes, just like his dad’s. I took out a blanket that was only a little moist and spread it across the leaves, setting Alistair in there while I worked on the fire. After the first spark, Ali didn’t look tired anymore. His eyes glinted like he found a new toy. 

I couldn’t help but let out a sigh. 

“You really are your father’s son.” 

Between looking inside his bag and keeping him away from the fire, I was starting to feel the weight of the day sink in my muscles. Everything inside Alistair’s bag was at least a little wet, but luckily nothing was dirty. I took some diapers out and spread them next to the fire so we could use them if he needed. I also found some water in a termic bottle, formula and a pair of baby bottles. 

I held the bottle on top of the fire for as long as I could without burning myself and mixed it with the formula. I thought I’d seen it done enough to know what to do, but I had to check the instructions on the tin. Finally, I gave the bottle to Alistair, who, now that his clothes were drying next to his diapers, looked ready to give in for the night. He took the bottle and laid down on the blanket, his head on my lap. The water had made his normally straight hair curl at the ends. I touched it and he closed his eyes. In a couple of minutes, the bottle was drained and he stopped sucking. 

I wrapped him in the blanket, but kept him next to me. Once he was asleep, I used some wet wipes to clean the blood from my face. Luckily, I had stopped bleeding, but the gash was still there and I didn’t think any of the baby band-aids were going to help me in this situation. 

I took off my coat and my pants and hanged them around us for it to dry by the fire. I put some more wood in the fire, making sure it would last at least a couple of hours. But then, suddenly, after almost a day of running, there wasn’t anything else to do. Just me and the silence of the woods. 

I knew I couldn’t sleep - I had to keep an eye out for those men after us - but what wouldn’t I give to give in to unconsciousness. Because alone, in the dark, the weight of the world fell on my shoulders. 

This was no longer standard guardian work - looking over the shoulder, looking for a safe place, awaiting instructions. I had a baby. A royal baby. Lissa’s baby. Comforting Moroi was within our job description, we were trained for it. Keeping a baby alive was not.

And what would we even do? Where could I go from here if those people were watching the road? I didn’t even know where we were. I had travelled those roads before, but always by car. It could be miles before we could find anywhere to make a call. And what then? It was no guarantee Abe would be able to help, at least until he got back to the country. And with no money, there wasn’t much I could do. 

Maybe the next step should just be to find a town. If I can find a town, I can try to find a Moroi. Surely someone would want to help Alistair, right? But then, again, McHale’s words came back to mind. “If they didn’t get to her first.” We didn’t know how big or coordinated this attack was. For all that we knew, they could have attacked nearby cities. 

Of course, that was bordering paranoia considering that we kept a careful watch of the nearby cities and towns. But when I looked down at sleeping Alistair, I couldn’t bring myself to risk it. I pulled him into my arms and let his head rest on my shoulder. One of his arms hugged my neck. The other grabbed my shirt. After everything that had happened tonight, he was sleeping like an angel, like he knew he was safe. I wished I was so sure about something. 

Were his parents even alive? The thought twisted something in me that I couldn’t let go. I had seen them earlier today. They were so happy, feeding their son peas and potatoes. Christian had spent the day with him, could it have been the last one? Did he even see it coming, did he ever wonder if that might be it? And Lissa? That time, in the nursery, did she know then? Could that be why she was so worried, why she insisted I was with Ali when it happened? It certainly couldn’t be. The spirit could do many wonderful things. Predicting the future still wasn’t one of them - that we knew of. 

There was something else too. Someone that caused my brain to fall into a spiral when thinking about. I know I shouldn’t allow myself to hope, at least not now when I needed to be practical. But I knew that Dimitri was there. He was at that party. He must’ve known when it was happening, he could have taken them out of there. Even if no one could have ever thought of something like this, if no one was ready, he must’ve been. He had to have been. I played with my wedding band where it sit on my finger, thinking of its pair sitting on his hand, glinting as they ran away from the fire. 

And still, after all those years we’d been together, I had learned by then what I was too young and blind to see when we first met. The lesson I was confronted with when he was taken from me. He was no god. He was a man, like so many others. His strength came from experience. From calm and logical thinking. From skill. Each day, he used to say, I was coming closer to him. And I would tease him about the student surpassing the master. I would tease when I should have thanked him, when I should have held him close to me, when I should have said everything I thought he knew. But did he? I always thought we’d have so much time... What if that time was over? What if the last time we ever spoke was a common exchange of words about our plans for the night? 

As the night progressed and nothing happened, I decided to sleep, at least for a bit. I wouldn’t be of any help if I went crazy on the first night. Whatever I decided to do next, there would be quite a lot of walking to be done. I needed all of my strength. 

So I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost instantly. 

I woke up to Alistair coughing. 


	4. I have been her kind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title comes from the poem "I have been her kind" by Anne Sexton that you can read here (https://poets.org/poem/her-kind)

So much had changed it was hard to grasp reality. 

Lissa had always worried about this. That one day, reality would just slip from her control. That she would take the spirit one step too far, and she’d be gone. Gone from the people she loved, gone from the world of the living. But whenever she thought of it, she imagined it’d be a solid bump. A jolt. A break so obvious she would know right away.

When it finally happened, it had been but a hiccup. One second the control was there, the other, it wasn’t. 

Before, when things were bad, she’d always been able found reality in things that made sense. School. Friends. Rose. There were rules that one was supposed to follow, there were expectations to be fulfilled. If she fulfilled them, the world would keep spinning, even if her connection to it was fragile.

But nothing made sense now. 

The Court was scattered. When a safe haven was destroyed, what could they do but search for another? Logic, yes, but felt  _ wrong  _ to leave Pennsylvania behind. It felt like leaving more than a home. 

A few weeks after the fire, St. Vladimir became their new operation base. It was easily defendable, it had strong shields and a lot of guardian recruits ready to prove their worth in times of need. The royals weren’t the only one to come up with that idea. Moroi from all over North America were coming over to seek refuge in the school after such a bold attack. Everyone found safety in numbers. Everyone but Lissa. Numbers were logic. But they always felt short of two. 

New information came every day - survivors sending messages, firefighters and medics informing about the deceased back at the remains of the Court. There was talk about rebuilding, but not much. It was hard to believe anything could be rebuilt after such a long fall. These were valid feelings. But it was not what Lissa thought. She knew it all could be restored: the buildings, the statues, the art. But what for? 

And even though she felt so out of touch, so distant from the world, if anyone was to describe the acts of the queen during this time, they’d see someone beyond their years. She was perfect and poised. A merciful angel who was able to calm even the most anguished of souls. Queen Dragomir would go to her meetings and she would organize what seemed like an unredeemable mess with unwavering calm. She would go to the wounded and cure their afflictions. She would sit with widows and orphans and hold them close. She made it look easy. 

It was only when someone wished her condolences for her son and guardian that a crack could be seen in the illusion. A quick sight of fire still burning, a glint of something no one was supposed to see. Then, it was clenched. The queen nodded and quickly left the conversation. 

“We have to assume that…” Christian would start in the first days, when they were still in the nearby town, that had been practically vacated by the humans once the ashes hit it. Back then, he was a part of the rescue teams and came back singed and stained grey, empty handed. “There’s just too much to look through. We have to accept that… We may never find them.” 

And all she could think is that it was a terrible thing to say. Because he was lying. He had to be. 

“They’re not gone.” She would say calmly, because it was the truth. There was logic in this world: mothers die before their children. Promises are kept to a friend. “I would know.” 

She sounded like someone different than herself, someone touched by something equally holy and terrible he recognized. And so Christian would say: 

“You’re not bonded to them. Not anymore, anyway. I know how sudden these things are…” His voice cracked and failed him. He didn’t know what to do. “It’s hard to... I’m hurting too, but…” 

She would take his hands because he had no reason to be hurting. They were not gone. The couple would hold each other in silence. Him, grieving. Her, secretly hating him for it. But they loved each other enough to stand strong and show their people a strong facade. 

Lissa would have refused to move from the nearby town - she would turn every singed brick, every burnt piece of furniture, every broken statue until she got them back - but she fell ill. 

There was talk about said sickness. That it was from breathing the ashes of the fire. That it was sadness she could never get over for the loss of her child. That it was the weight of a responsibility that should not be in such a young pair of shoulders. But none of that would have made Christian beg them to leave. 

“We have to think of the future”, he said when it became clear that the sickness wasn’t a sickness at all. And she hated these words, because the past wasn’t over, it could never be. 

The queen’s new pregnancy became a sign of hope. And Moroi and dhampirs alike found solace in the thought that, though their world was falling apart, something new was blooming, in the midst of all of the tragedy. 

There was a night, however, before their departure to St. Vladimir, before they abandoned their previous life. Lissa knew that, when everything else failed, she still had one secret weapon. One she could always ask the impossible of. A god. 

“You’ll not be coming with us.” She said, coming into the quarters Dimitri shared with other guardians, as he was almost done packing up. 

“Your majesty?” He asked, looking at the others around them, who quickly took a hint to leave. “I’m your husband’s…” 

“I’m aware.” As other people left, she felt her normal regal posture dissolving. She didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to ask this of him as a queen. Lissa wanted to ask this as a friend and as a mother. Her intuition had never been wrong before. She had learned to trust it. And if she couldn’t trust this, then the world really was out of reach for her. “But I have another mission for you.” 

In dark times, Guardian Belikov had a similar performance to the Queen. Stoic and strong. Reliable when disaster struck. People looked for him for what to do. But just as she could show her true colors with him, he could show his. He let out a long sigh that showed how tired he was. It sounded like a lonely howl in the night. His expression fell and his hand absentmindedly grabbed his shirt around his chest. His wedding ring shone in his finger, from here he couldn’t bring himself to remove.

“Please, don’t make me do this.” 

“You know she wouldn’t go down like this.” Every word she spoke was so true it almost burned her. How did people not feel this? How could they pretend this could just happen and  _ she wouldn’t know?  _ “You know that or you would have taken off your ring by now.”

“Lissa…” He tried, wounded. 

“I was with her that night, she made a promise to me. To me.” Her hands turned to fists. She wished she could shake him out of it. “She said she wouldn’t let anything happen to him and I know she hasn’t.” 

But he shook his head. 

“We tried everything. The spirit dream thing… All of the searches… I don’t think…” He couldn’t finish his sentence. 

“You’re not  _ listening.”  _ She stomped on the ground. “ _ I know.  _ I know it looks dim. I know it wouldn’t normally be possible. But we operate out of regular possibility standards since always.” 

Dimitri raised his dark eyes. A squint and a frown show her that she has his attention. 

“I never wanted your eternal loyalty. I brought you back because it was the right thing to do. I would never do something like this expecting something in return. And you’ve paid me in kind, you saved my life and my husband’s and we’re only standing here today because of you. You no longer owe me anything. You know that” Lissa said, and her tone had turned soft as she remembered him guiding them through the dreadful flames to safety. His shoulders dropped as he took in her words. Her throat was suddenly raspy as she spoke through a knot in it. “But… If it has meant something to you and if I can still ask you something after all these years… Please do this for me.” 

The moment is suspended. Emotion is too thick to let them breathe. Dimitri doesn’t move, but his chin quivers. 

“And if… If I find that they…” 

“If you find them, then you found them. That’s all I need.” She closed her eyes and her hands touched the same home that had housed her first born, now changing to receive someone new. “But if you don’t find them, you don’t even need to come back.” 

Lissa gave a step back and looked out the window. For weeks, all they’ve seen out there has been ashes and terrible grey clouds blowing them away. Now nature was following its course and the sun was starting to shine in some areas. But it didn’t seem like the queen was able to see any of that. There was a glaze to her eyes, like she wasn’t seeing anything at all. She doesn’t see her guardian’s confusion, but she felt like he understood what she meant before she even said it out loud.

“There won’t be anything left of me for you to protect.”


	5. As if the snow should hesitate and murmur in the wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was inspired by the poem "The Return" by Ezra Pound, that you can read here (https://poets.org/poem/return-1)

When we had been in the cabin so long I needed to cut Dogo’s hair, I realized how much time had passed. 

It had occurred to me, of course. But when you slept as little as I did and did as much as I did, the days tended to melt together. 

Dogo sat there, still, but impatient little legs swinging into the air under his chair, as I put a bowl against his head and worked the scissors I found laying around. They were old and rusty, but I managed to set loose some dark curls that fell on the only rickety chair we owned. 

“Oooh.” Dogo said, picking one curl up. His fingers looked longer now, not as bun-like as they used to be. He didn’t try to put it in his mouth right away, which I thought was some sort of progress.

“Yep. That’s your hair, baby.” 

“Dogo hair.” He murmured and I realized I had spoken too soon when I had to stop him before he tried to eat it. 

Once we were done, he stood on his chair and opened his arms widely. I still had to clean all of this mess, but I gathered him in a hug he climbed into. 

“Big hug!” I announced. 

“Big ‘ug”, he echoed.

His head fell to my shoulder, as it always did and my arms gather all of his form, as they always did. I gave a twirl, breathing in the smell of his soft hair. 

“Hmm hmm.” He said, and as always, his wish is my command. He had gotten to me too. I was his humble servant, ready to serve.

“Lullabies already? Ready to bed then?” 

He nodded effusively. 

“Dogo sleep.” As a sign of good faith, he closed his eyes, but only to prove his point. He opened them again, blinking in expectation.

I took him to the corner of the room, where a pile of leaves covered with his blanket on top of an old bed frame was our makeshift bed. The mattress that used to be there when we found this place was completely ruined and I still used parts of it for burning in the fireplace. 

I started singing, swinging him from one side to the other. He loved it when I sang. His feet would always shake happily and his hands would pull my shirt as if it could make me sing more. I loved his reaction - which was such a big surprise to me. I never thought of myself as someone who could elicit such a response from a child. But in these last months, as I uncovered more and more from the old scottish lullabies my own mother used to sing to me, as I tried to recall the songs his mother would whisper to him, Dogo became… Well, more like Dogo. 

Time had passed as fast as the fire in Court had spread. 

The day after we were stranded in the woods, Alistair had a fever and a cough. I had to find shelter, I had to find food. I managed to find an old boat by the water that, after cleaning, seemed like good cover for us to spend the night. But I couldn’t bear to leave Alistair to go look for food. I fed him his formula, but he barely drank. It was a hard night for him. He fussed and cried, but was soon too tired to do so. 

The next day, I knew I had to find a definitive place. He couldn’t keep moving. We walked the whole day as his coughing got weaker and weaker. My heart was breaking, I couldn’t believe I had gotten so far to lose him like this. I kept thinking of ways I could maybe run back to civilization, beg those crazy people to spare a child… But my good deeds went unpunished after all. 

We found a hunting cabin. 

It hadn’t been used in years, it seemed. It was practically overrun by animals and the forest, but it could be inhabited again. I cleaned and I fixed and I invented more than I thought I was capable of. That night, Alistair was able to have a proper night of sleep. That night, I cut my finger and let him drink from me. The next morning, he felt a little stronger. He just needed time. 

But time wasn’t something we had to spare. In the first weeks, his cries would always call all kinds of unwanted attention. Now that we weren’t moving, it didn’t take long for those maniacs to find us. That was good though. Spared me the effort of going after them. Despite being furious, they were misled and mistrained. They were no match for me. When they stopped coming, I set up traps. Sometimes, I could hear screams in the night and I knew I’d caught another one. 

I knew they were planning to come get me eventually, since I was sure they knew where I was, but I had to worry about it when it came. I liked to believe that they simply decided I was just not worth the risk. 

Everyday that Alistair was a little better, I made plans. For where we could go, which trails could we take. I found hunting trails, I learned about the grounds, hunted what I could. But it was still hard to risk it. Whenever temperatures climbed down a little, he had another bad night and I couldn’t even think of the risk. In the cold nights, we could hear the howls of predators, waiting for us and I thought I could wait another day if it meant going back home safely.

When the first snowflake fell, I knew I had waited too long. We would have to wait out the winter. 

I got scared when Alistair started talking right out of the blue. He would normally babble when I talked, like he was a part of the conversation. Back then, I used to talk to him to sleep. I would tell him we would be fine - and he seemed to agree. Even if his fabric diaper wasn’t as good as the old ones that had run out; if the food now was mostly fruit, nuts, roots and blood instead of his beloved formula. I would tell him about how happy people would be when we went back. About the parties they would throw and what the invitations would say. 

“Queen Vasilissa Dragomir and her husband Lord Christian Ozera cordially invite you…” I said then, setting up his diaper for the night. “For the return of their brave baby… Their wonderful prince. Alistair Dragomir Ozera.” 

Ali’s eyes got big and he said something for the very first time. 

“Dogo.” 

Dogo? It was certainly a word. Sounded like the kid had meant it. But what could it mean? 

“What? What did you say?” 

But the little bastard wouldn’t repeat it for the world. I tried to pry if out of him for days after that, but he only did it again when I was talking about his parents again. 

“Your mom must miss you so much, you know…” We were laying in bed, our favorite activity to do together, other than when Alistair would bang his only two dirty toys, the last items from his bag, against my face. “And you wouldn’t want to see Lissa Dragomir sad.” 

“Dogo?” He said it again and then it hit me. 

“You smart bastard!” I sat on the bed and he did too. “You’re saying your name!” 

“Dogo!” I did not know if this was agreeing. 

Eventually, I got him to say the whole thing. Alistair Dragomir Ozera became  _ Ali Dogo Ea.  _ It wasn’t far, but it was somewhere. But he liked Dogo better. He said it all the time. When he was playing, when he was eating. Dogo, Dogo, Dogo. I started saying it back as a joke. But soon, it became his nickname. He was Dogo and I was Ose. A simple arrangement, but quite effective.

But then, the words didn’t stop coming. He learned so fast I was always so scared. There were  _ oxes _ outside, and  _ fiwe _ in the fireplace and his food was  _ good.  _ And it wasn’t just words. He was always learning. Standing up. Walking around. Touching things, tasting things. He would answer commands and be delighted when I complimented him for it. A twist always curled up in my stomach when I thought that his mother and father should be here to see it. I should be getting back to them. But first, winter had to be over. I had to make sure I could protect him out there. I needed one more strike of luck. 

And then, that night as I sang another lullaby to Dogo, like I did every night, a strike of luck knocked on our door. 

In my defense, no one really knocks on your door when you’re hiding out in the woods. How could I have known? I wouldn’t have dreamed… My song stopped in the middle. I slowly put Dogo on the ground and I pointed at the bed frame. We had practiced. Under it, there was a hole that led to the underside of the house. He quietly dragged himself there.

“Ose.” He called, stopping by the hole. 

“Wait. Stay here.” I said and he quieted. “Get in the hole when I tell you to.”

I stood up, grabbing the scissors. I used them for killing what animals I could catch on my traps, for skinning them, for cutting hair, for fixing the chair. How effective it would be as a weapon… It was hard to say. But it was all I had.

I walked to the door and stood behind it. I knew the light behind me was sending a shadow under the door. They knew I was there. Good. 

“I’m only going to ask once.” I said, hand grabbing the door handle. It wasn’t locked, so the intruder could’ve come inside at any time. They probably knew what I was capable of. I had to be careful. “ _ Get out  _ of here.”

Nothing changed. No one outside moved. I grabbed the scissors harder. The roughness of the rust scratched my skin, but I ignored it. I would probably only have one chance. 

With no further notice, I opened the door and attacked. 

And let me tell you. If I had a penny for every time I tried to impale my husband with a weapon and missed when I caught sight of his eyes, I would now have three pennies. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s remarkable that it happened more than once, let alone three times. 

But for once, I was glad I missed. Or, rather, that he dodged. 

To be fair, I had only been fighting people below my skill. I had grown accustomed to being careless. Even surprised, he swiftly moved out of the way, his hand grabbing my arm.

When his fingers touched my wrist to stop me from, you know, killing him, it was like being transported. To another cabin on another snowy day. To other breathless times, running in the morning, when he was the first person I would see each day. To times of perfection and safety in golden buildings, with his skin close to mine, with our souls united forever.

“Dimitri.” I said in a haunted voice that barely sounded like mine.

My fingers let go of the scissors and my knees were going to fail before he caught me across the waist. My arms closed around his broad shoulders and my head laid on his chest. His heart was beating fast, a solid proof that this was real. I pulled him closer and closer, as if I could simply disappear inside of him. The warmth of his touch brought tears to my eyes. 

I always thought that if I was ever to see anyone I loved again, it was going to be on my own. When I was put into a terrible situation, I reverted back to my teenage instincts. Take care of myself. Take care of Lissa - or whatever was closest. I forgot what I had already learned. 

I was no longer alone. He would always come for me.

“You’re okay.” My voice seemed to break a trance. We both pulled away, eager eyes drinking up the sight of one another. I instantly caught the dark circles under his eyes, the tired eyes, the hesitation in his step. I was sure he saw the shadow of bones that didn’t use to protrude so far, the complexion of someone who hasn’t been eating right, the frostbite I got earlier when trying to wash Dogo’s diaper. “How did you find me?” 

“I, uh…” It was a sight to behold, I couldn’t lie. Dimitri Belikov without words. I would have teased him for it in another time, but something else had me turn around before I was quite done savoring it. 

“Ose?” Dogo called, in a pretend whisper that wasn’t low at all. 

“It’s okay, Dogo. You can come out.” I pulled back and Dimitri came with, as if he couldn’t stay away. Dogo dragged himself from under the bed and ran to my arms and I raised him up. He eyed Dimitri shily, hiding behind my hair. “No, it’s alright, baby. Don’t you remember uncle Dimka?” 

Dogo shook his head, refusing to look. I rubbed his back in solidarity. To be fair, everyone else we had encountered since we’d ran away had been trying to kill him. Then, we both were surprised by an exasperated laugh. It was Dimitri. He had his hands to his head, shaking it slowly. 

“How can you do this?” He said and the marvel in his voice suddenly made me feel bashful. It was like a summer day, golden and perfect. “How can you amaze me each time more?” 

For once, I wasn’t sure what he was talking about. All I had been doing for months was stumble my way to shaky safety. He pulled me close again, something Dogo did not appreciate, but none of us moved to shush him. Dimitri’s forehead was against mine and his arm was around my waist. When I looked into his eyes, all I saw was desperation, fear… And a sudden wave of hope. A look of who’s witnessed miracles. 

“You’re alive.” He said, and the relief in his voice almost broke me in half. In the light of the fireplace, his eyes were shining. “You’re alive. You escaped. And you saved Alistair.” 

“Well, yeah.” It was all my dazed brain could think to say. There was so much I wanted to say to him all of this time… And yet, now that he was here it just felt… It felt like I never left. “Now would you please shut the door? It’s still bedtime for some people.” 

Dogo did not want to sleep now that Dimitri was here. Even when I restarted his lullabies, swinging him slowly across the small house, his head against my shoulder, the baby kept shooting curious looks to where Dimitri was sitting, next to the fireplace, eyes set on us too. I felt like the baby wanted to ask questions, but didn’t know all the words he needed yet. He fussed once or twice, making a hand gesture he normally did when he saw a bug or something he didn’t like. 

But even his curiosity couldn’t hold him up for long since he’d already had his tea for the night. Slowly, his eyes were growing heavy and his grip on my shirt slowly let go. Careful as someone who had already had to restart the putting-to-sleep efforts more than once, I put him to bed, tucking him in carefully. I let out a heavy sigh. I felt warm strong hands on my shoulders and I put my hands on top of his, just savoring this impossible moment. 

We sat together by the fire. I couldn’t tell you how we got there, how long it took, or how long we just sat in silence, eating what was left of a bird I’d caught the day prior. All I knew is that, eventually, he was in my arms and I was in his. But there was only so much we could do in silence.

“I… I just had to guess.” He started. I pulled away, laying my head on his shoulder, watching his lips as he talked. “I started at… Where the apartment used to be. I imagined the guardians would have gotten the alert and they would have tried to get to the shelters. Probably wouldn’t use the front door, so… The tunnels. There were too many possible exits. I couldn’t figure out what to do next… Until I remembered. Someone found an abandoned court car in the town we were staying. It still had some gas in the tank, so I could only assume it was someone who would trade it for a full tank to get away. And I do know you’re really good at hotwiring…” 

“In my defense, that was McHale. I was trying to calm Dogo down.” I looked over my shoulder, but the baby was still asleep. It was hard to believe how much had changed. It was so easy to startle him then and it was hours before he’d calm down. Now he would calm down the instant I picked him up. And McHale, of course… Well, she wasn’t here anymore. 

“So… McHale was the one in the car with you? Wasn’t Turner on shift with her too?” 

“Yeah, but we lost him as soon as we left the building. I don’t know if someone got him or if he bailed… Either way, we were alone when we got to the garages.” 

Dimitri nodded, taking in the information. He then narrated as he drove to the next town, but had no success trying to find me or any of the other guardians that were minding Alistair that night. It was when he was going back to Court that he noticed pieces of glass and metal on the road. Not an unusual occurrence, but it made him stop in a nearby lookout point. 

That’s when he saw the trail our car left on the way down - the broken branches, the tire marks. It was easy for him to assume that the car had fallen on the river. 

“I thought it was the end of the line… I went under, but it’s really dark down there. But I could see the outline of a car.” He shook his head and paused for an instant. I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair, setting them loose from the ponytail they were before. He tilted his head towards my hand, closing his eyes. “I thought I lost you.” 

I kissed his face once, then twice. 

“I wouldn’t go out in such lame fashion. You should know that.” 

His eyes parted and found mine. 

“I should. I shouldn’t have questioned.” His hand took my free one and traced designs on it. He stopped over my wedding ring, tapping it rhythmically. “Lissa knew, though. She never doubted it for a second.” 

“I wouldn’t expect anything different. She’d know if something happened to me.” The sides of his mouth turned upwards, but I didn’t know what was so funny about that. “And did you hurt your foot before or after that?” 

I asked, pointing to his ankle. He’d been avoiding setting weight on it since he walked inside. 

“When I was checking the perimeter of the river… I got stuck in a trap. That’s... That’s when I really knew it wasn’t over. I knew someone had to be around. I thought… I thought it was worth a shot to check since I’d come this far..” His eyes absentmindedly took in details of my face. I watched as he stopped by my lips. “If anything, whoever was around might’ve seen something. And… Here you were. Singing a lullaby and cooking dinner.” 

“Here I am.” I took a deep breath, not realizing how long I hadn’t had one of those. He could have given up at any point and we’d probably never know how close we were to each other. How long would we be apart if that had happened? “You didn’t happen to find any of those… Those people, did you?” 

“No…” Dimitri immediately got tense. “Why? Are they around?” 

“They used to be… That’s why I set some of the traps. The human sized ones, at least. I’m pretty sure I scared them away for now, but… You never know.” 

He looked deep in thought for a moment, eyes on the fire. 

“Is that why you never came back? Because of them?” 

I narrated how we escaped the court, changed cars, got chased like we were in a spy movie. I told him how I had to choose between Dogo and McHale and how I didn’t know how I managed to swim to shore with Alistair. I explained how there was just too much out of control: Dogo being sick, the weather, the Light Warriors. The first days, the hunger, the cold. 

“I just… Did what you always told me to do. Get my Moroi and find a situation I could control and try to go from there.” His fingers intertwined in mine, his eyes always on mine. “So I just… Stayed. I didn’t know which way to go, I had no way to contact anyone… I didn’t know if you, or Lissa or Christian… I…” 

My voice failed, because I tried so hard not to think of it. My chest constricted at the mere thought, even if I know they’re all safe, they’re all well and waiting for me. I kept busy not to face a world without them, but now I didn’t have to. The relief was almost too much to bear.

His fingers rubbed away my tears, his lips found mine. I had a feeling that he knew. He understood because he’s been there too, on the other side, looking at a world where I didn’t exist. 

None of it mattered now. He was here and he would help. Maybe nothing could ever be as it was, but it could be better. Sharing a blanket on the floor, we slept in each other’s arms. 


	6. I could lift the world and carry it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is inspired on the poem "Two Men and Truck" by Laura Kasischke that you can read HERE (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/58008/two-men-a-truck)

I woke up earlier than Dogo, as always. Earlier than I ever used to wake up at home. Earlier than Dimitri, who remained asleep on the floor where we had slept. 

I got up, cleaned the fireplace, made a new fire, put the water to boil. I made Dogo tea, I cut up what he was going to eat, get his change of clothes ready for when it’s time to change his diaper. Then, as if made of clockwork, he sat down on the bed, fully awake, his hair going in all different directions. 

“Hmm.” He murmured, pointing at Dimitri still asleep near the fire. 

“Yes, baby. He’s still here.” Normally he would wait there for me to pick him up, but today he got up and got down from bed on his own. I watched as he wobbled across the room and sat down next to Dimitri. “Well, you got there, Dogo. What now?” 

“Hmm?” He asked again, pointing. I still wasn’t sure what he was asking. 

“That’s Dimitri. He’s our friend.” 

“Fhmmm?” He mimicked, but didn’t quite get there. 

“Friend.” I repeated. “Can you say friend?” 

“Hmm.” He pondered, and I would guess that meant no, or at least not yet. He always took a while to understand the words before he would say them back. 

“Change?” I suggested, extending my hand. He took it and promptly climbed me, his tiny feet walking up my legs as his hand was still in mine. He ended up with his arms around my neck and he still smelled like sleep. My arms closed around him. “We’ll probably go home soon. Do you want to go home?” 

“Hmm.” He didn’t sound particularly interested in the matter. I laid him down on our makeshift bed and changed him. He played with one of the leaves that had escaped from the improvised mattress. 

He sat down when I was done, eyes back on Dimitri, who was now sitting up and rubbing his eyes. I waved as I gave Dogo his tea on his baby bottle. Dogo chugged the entire thing without blinking. 

“Did you sleep well, comrade?” I asked, helping Dimitri stand up. 

“Better than I have in weeks.” I found that hard to believe. But then again, maybe comfort was in the muscles of the beholder. My arms found his body as if moved by magnetism. I take in the smell of dirt and leaves that I associated with the cabin, but it still felt completely unique on him. His arms closed around my waist too and we swung from side to side, almost as if we couldn’t help but dance. 

The moment ended too soon.

“My car is back at the lake. If we leave now, we can get there by midnight.” 

I took a deep breath, barely able to believe that this was not a dream. I was about to say something when Dogo let out a shriek, making us both turn to him. Once he had both of our attention, he let out a big burp. 

I giggled and went to him. 

“Good boy, Dogo!” I opened my arms and he stood up to climb to them. I pressed my cheek against his head, my heart almost bursting at the idea of bringing him back to his family. “Did you hear that? You’re going back to your mommy and daddy!”

I turned around and Dimitri offered his finger to Dogo. Despite still looking suspicious, Dogo was always excited to have something else to try. He unceremoniously put Dimitri’s finger in his mouth. 

“You’re good to him.” He said, in a baffled tone. 

“Well, don’t look so surprised. I love him.” I frowned playfully at Dimitri, even though I couldn’t keep a smile back looking at Dogo’s curious face. “If anything, he’s the one who’s good to me.” 

“I just…” It was a rare occurrence when the mighty Belikov lost his words and even rarer when I decided to take pity on him instead of teasing. 

“I know. I wouldn’t have seen it coming either.” I absentmindedly played with Dogo’s curls for a second. “But… He had no one else, so… Auntie Rose had to do, right?”

“Ose.” Dogo agreed with a serious nod, making us both laugh.

I offered him to Dimitri. 

“I’ll go pack up. Can you keep him busy?” 

“Sure.” 

He had a soft smile that I didn’t quite understand, but I didn’t think much about. As I started gathering our scarce supplies, my heart only beat to the sound of just one word. 

Home.. 

There was a reason for me to try not to worry about things. Once I started, I couldn’t stop - and would normally get stuck in the smallest of things and never at the important ones. 

Case in question. 

“We need to get a baby seat!” I yelled, holding up a giggling Dogo. 

Dimitri knocked another Light Warrior out with a powerful punch and looked over his shoulder. 

“What?!”

“A baby seat! I can’t have him in my lap the whole way to Pennsylvania!” One maniac human who clearly hadn’t heard anything about a caretaker’s ability to multitask tried to tackle me, but I quickly got out of the way. He fell right on my feet, where he got stomped in the back until he stopped moving. Dogo let out a happy shriek, still safe above all of the mess. “It’s unsafe! This baby has had one car crash too many in his short life.”

“Can we please finish this up first?”

And finish it we did. 

We didn’t think there would be much pursuit by the ones we beat or that there were much more of these sickos around, but the attack made us rush to the car. When we were close enough, it made a familiar unlocking sound. 

A Court car, not unlike the one that had crashed into the water with Dogo and I in it. After all that time in the woods, without what before seemed so basic, it was like an object from another universe. I stopped for a second, looking at it. I felt Dimitri’s hand at the small of my back. 

“Why did you stop? Are you okay?” 

“Yeah.” I nodded quickly. “Yeah, I just…” 

I shook my head. 

I tried not to think about the accident, but I wasn’t completely untouched by it. I still had nightmares about the water coming in, about McHale lost in a cloud of white fabric and blood splatters, about reaching the surface with a drowned Dogo in my arms. I had been thinking about how to survive the next day for months and I never stopped to wonder what it would be like to be inside a car again. 

And somehow, I didn’t have to say all of that. His eyes softened and he kissed the side of my head, impossibly gentle as usual. 

“I’ll go slow. We’ll get a car seat for him in the next town, okay? But we have to go now.” 

“Okay.” I raised my face at him and smiled as best as I could. “One step at a time.”

One step closer to home. 

Everything was taken from her those days. Anything that could be stressful, that could be a source of distraction. For a queen, Lissa didn’t feel very powerful. 

She knew they meant well. This baby was taking a bigger toll on her than Alistair had. It made her weak and nauseous. That didn’t mean she appreciated her staff purposefully hiding things from her - her phone, the TV remote, particularly challenging correspondence - even if she knew it was her husband’s orders. There were still Moroi to rule and she didn’t need to be undermined. 

At this point, she had accepted that there would always be people unhappy about her reign. Even if she did her best with helping remedy the consequences of the attack, much of her opposition thought she shouldn’t have let it happen in the first place. The only way she had to silent them was be strong and keep her control. 

But it was hard to have this conversation with Christian. Lissa could see it in his aura: how much he tried to push his emotions back and focus on her and this baby. It was easier for him to move on and think of now. She worried a lot for him. She knew better than anyone that bad feelings always catch up with people. And it was no small feeling what he felt for Alistair. 

That day, however, she managed to convince him to give her phone back. There really were Court business to attend to, but what she really wanted was to check for messages from Dimitri. 

There were at least a dozen missed calls that day. She stood up from the bed, murmuring she had to use the bathroom. She closed the door behind her, her heart racing as she dialed the number. Dimitri picked up on the second tone, which still felt like an eternity. 

“Finally! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you…” He stopped mid sentence, as if he’d forgotten who he was talking to. That was unusual. I hadn’t heard him slip up like that since… He cleared his throat. “Lissa, you won’t… You won’t believe it.” 

She had a feeling she would, although her heart was racing in anticipation. She held onto the sink. 

“Did you… Did you find them?” 

“Yes. Yes! I…” She heard another voice on the other side of the line interrupt, but she couldn’t barely hear what they were saying. 

“Are they okay?” She couldn’t help asking, trying to get his attention back, not bearing to wait a second more for answers. “Are they… Alive?”

“You know what? I’ll let them tell you.” Dimitri said and there was a brief moment while the phone was passed over. 

“Hi”. Rose said, as eloquent as always.

Lissa let out a sob that brought Christian to the bathroom door. 

“Lissa? Is everything okay?” He knocked on the door. “Let me in!”

“Hey, hey. No, don’t cry. Don’t cry, please” Rose said, on the other end of the line. Perfectly impossible, but perfect either way. She sounded like she was holding back emotion as well. “Listen, we just stopped to grab some lunch, okay? The little man was hungry. But we’ll be there as soon as we can.” 

There was a pause in which Lissa managed to fight the knot in her throat. 

“Is that a promise?”, the queen asked. 

“You bet.” her guardian replied. 

There was something about the parking lot of a school that was slightly unsettling. 

There were always so many emotions attached to these places, and St. Vladimir’s most of all. Lissa still remembered getting down from the car here, still holding her father’s hand, her eyes widening at the scary buildings. She remembered running through it the night she ran away with Rose. She remembered the last time she saw it, soon after graduation. She thought that one day she might have to leave her boy there, but not for a long time. And for some time, she almost let herself believe she would never get that chance. 

Her baby boy, she could hardly believe it. Christian was next to her, his hand squeezing so hard she feared he would break it. Together, they shivered in the cold, waiting. 

Curious eyes turned towards them, imagining what would make the queen leave not only her chambers in the visitor building, but also the building itself, from where she had been running her government. Some thought it was good for her to have some fresh air. Some took as irrefutable proof that she had lost it for good. Even the curious gave up after a while. 

A car arrived at the other side of the gates. It was a court official car, but it was still thoroughly searched. It took a while to be cleared - although not as much as it could have taken once the guardians at the gate see who’s coming inside of it. It moved towards the royal couple, who moved towards it too, unable to stop themselves. They break into free running right about the time the car stops and their passengers get down. 

Two of them were caught in a hug before they could help it. It was a mess of limbs that sorts itself out as Rose and Alistair get crushed between the weight of their crying welcome party. 

“Oh, my God, my baby…” Lissa said, touching Alistair’s face. The baby frowned, looking from her to Rose, as if calculating something in his tiny head. She took him either way, touching her face to his, surprising herself at his size. He used to fit so perfectly… He was almost double the size he used to be. “Ah, you’re so big!”

“He’s a great eater. Which is not something I thought I’d be proud of saying at any point in my life.” Rose said, putting one of Alistair’s curls behind his ear. Lissa took another second to take in her child before surrendering him to an eager Christian and grabbing her friend into an even tighter hug than before. Rose hugged her back, finally starting to believe that this might be real after all. 

“You kept your promise.” 

“Of course I did.” She said, as if that promise had been simple. “I’ll always keep my promises to you.” 

And that was the day the queen promised herself that as long as she lived, she would forever be in debt to her guardian. 


	7. This rose-tree is not made to bear the violet blue nor lily fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title was inspired by the poem "Envy" by Mary Lamb that you can read here (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/51928/envy-56d23002e9404)  
> Thank you so much for everyone that has been reading and commenting <3   
> Next chapter will be the last one!

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. 

I sat up in bed, hands already grabbing around for Dogo’s small body. I’m already panicking when I can’t find it, when I can’t bring him near after another nightmare about the lake. Instead, I found someone else. Bigger, stronger. Much more articulate. 

“Rose,” Dimitri said, his voice still groggy from sleep, his hands holding mine. “It’s alright. He’s safe. He’s home.” 

Right. Yeah. The memories come flooding in and I can finally understand where I am. One of the visitor’s rooms at St. Vladimir’s Academy. We’ve done this before. We have been doing this all week since we’ve been back. 

As if coming back from a hermit period and back into society wasn’t enough, coming back to school completed the package of total nonsense. Everything that used to feel homely was different now, tainted by what I’ve seen out there. The walls that seemed so sturdy now felt weak to me. I had seen sturdier walls fall. There was nowhere I felt safe anymore. And therefore, nowhere I felt like Dogo was safe. The fact he was back with his family was supposed to help, but being floors above us, it didn’t. 

It was insane of me to feel like this, of course. I was aware that I was being unreasonable. I always imagined that I had been looking after Dogo for his family. To give him back. And I believed that, once I did, things would go back to normal. He would be his parent’s world and I would protect his mother, like it was always meant to be. 

I didn’t expect for it to feel like losing a limb. 

I rubbed my chest, trying to push away the feeling that I should be doing something, I should be checking on the baby, I should be getting ready for when he woke up. Dimitri pulled me to him, harboring me inside his strong arms. My hands fiddled with his shirt, breathing in his scent. At least this felt normal. This didn’t lose its effect. 

“Will it always be like this?” I asked, even if I didn’t think he would have an answer. I I didn’t think there was no zen wisdom that was specific enough to cover our situation. But, as it turns out, this kind of wisdom is just general enough to apply to everything. 

“It’s still soon.” He kissed the bridge of my nose. “Over time… You’ll learn to deal.” 

But it didn’t feel like that. It felt like an eternity already. When you lived day to day, being able to see weeks ahead was almost too much to bear. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself by listening to a heartbeat much stronger than the one I used to listen to. 

When my phone rang, not ten minutes later, I picked up before the second tone. 

“Hathaway.” 

“Hey, it’s me.” Lissa said, and her voice cracked a little. In the back, I heard Dogo’s crying. I sat up at the edge of the bed immediately, a cold feeling spreading in my stomach. “I’m sorry to wake you up.” 

“Ah, no. I was already up. What’s up?” I asked, already looking for my shoes. 

“I, uh… Ali had a terrible night of sleep and I… I can’t calm him down. I don’t know what to do. Could you…” 

“Sure. Yeah. I’ll be there in a minute.” 

“Ah.” She sounded like she wasn’t expecting that response. “I was just wondering if you could tell me… No, sure. You know what? Just come upstairs. I’ll let the guardians know you’re coming up.” 

I was hyper aware of Dimitri’s eyes on me as I left the room without a word and rushed upstairs to the queen’s floor. Once I was cleared in security - which may or may not have involved a high five and some questions about dinner last night - I walked into the room. 

I had forgotten how good at blocking the sound these old walls were. But when I walked inside, Dogo’s voice hit me like a ton of bricks. He was bawling, a hurtful cry that came from his chest. Christian had him and was swinging him from side to side to try and calm him down, but exhaustion showed in his face. Lissa was sitting down at a chair, rubbing her temples. 

“Hey.” I said, because the couple didn’t seem to notice I was there. I walked straight to the baby. “Here, let me try.” 

Dogo’s eyes went wide and, like magic, his cries stopped. The whole room stopped and his parents faced me, shocked. Dogo, unphased, practically threw himself towards me. 

“Hi, Dogo.” I kissed his forehead and he made the sound of a kiss with his mouth. The contrast of the previous noises with the silence of now was making my ears pop. I couldn’t even imagine what it felt like to Christian and Lissa.

“Wait… What just happened?” Christian asked, squinting his eyes at me. 

“Maybe he just missed me.” I picked him up and Dogo touched my face, his tiny hand wondering through my features. 

“Ose.” 

Christian snapped his fingers like he just had a grand idea. 

“That’s what he’s been saying.” He let himself fall back onto the couch. “He’s been saying Rose.” 

“He’s been calling for me?” I asked, trying to suppress a wave of happiness. I shouldn’t feel this. I should be helping him to get better adjusted to his old life, to the life he was born to live in. 

Lissa nodded, but she didn’t look at me. That was weird. 

“We didn’t know. We couldn’t guess.” 

“It takes awhile to understand his words if you’re not used to it.” I said, feeling a little bad about the exhausted duo. “But you’ll get used to it. There aren’t that many words he knows.” 

“Fwend.” He explained, pointing at his mother, as if we’re having a big conversation. 

“No friend. Mommy.” Lissa said, looking at the baby with hopeful eyes.

Dogo blinked at her, confusion making a crease in his brow. 

“No fwend?” 

I sat down in a chair next to Lissa, sitting him down in my lap. He slouched against me, letting out a big yawn. 

“Of course she’s your friend. But she’s your mama too. Can you say mama?” I asked, pointing at Lissa. She offered her fingers to her son and he caught them, immediately bringing them to his mouth.  _ Uh oh.  _ “Mama. Can you say it?” 

But he only blinked, tired. 

“He takes a while before picking up a new word. But then he starts repeating it all the time.” I explained, but Lissa wasn’t looking at me. She was watching as his eyes turned heavy and slowly closed against my chest. The twist I felt in my stomach didn’t need any magical bond. I hated to see Lissa suffer like this. “It’s still soon.” 

I couldn’t help but repeat Dimitri’s words. I wanted to believe them. 

“He bit my finger today.” She said, dead serious. The only other sound in the room was Christian’s snoring, as he had fallen asleep on the couch as fast as his son had done in my arms. Lissa finally looked at me and there was a cold there I hadn’t seen in years. “Do you know anything about that?” 

“It was the only way.” 

“He’s a baby.” 

“It’s not like that! He barely even has venom.” I closed my eyes and sighed. Even as babies, Moroi are Moroi. I had to feed him somehow. And with a lack of not rusted sharp objects, I let him bite my finger and drink from it. Not to mention it helped with his health when we didn’t have access to any medicine. “Liss, you know I only did this…” 

“I know. I know.” Her voice cracked again, rubbing her forehead. “I’m sorry, I just… I’m tired.” 

Her hand hovered over her belly, over her new child. I looked down at Dogo and was taken by the most horrible thought. That it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that, as usual, she got to have everything she wanted and I had to be to the side, protecting her, watching from the wings. 

I shook my head. There was no more darkness in me, no more shadows. This was all me. And this was the scariest part. But I had a choice now. I could choose to ignore these thoughts. Because this is what was best for everyone. 

“Listen… If you need my help… Just call me. I know it’s a terrible situation, but… I was with him all this time and I know how he works. I can help you guys get acquainted.” 

“I don’t need you to tell me how to raise my son, Rose.” Her voice was so hard I feared it could cut me. I involuntarily pressed Dogo against my chest. 

“I- I didn’t mean...” 

“Ah, you never do. You think I like this? To see him throw himself to someone while he acts like I’m… I’m a stranger? I’m his mother. I gave  _ birth  _ to him.” She looked at me, her green eyes filled with tears. 

“He’s a baby. He doesn’t know that. You can’t blame him for what happened to us.” 

“I don’t.” Her eyes widened. “I don’t blame him.” 

“Then do you blame me?” 

“No!” She closed her eyes and hid her face. A sob cut her off before she could say anything else. “I don’t know.”

Too stunned to do anything other than follow instinct, I dragged my chair closer and put my free arm around her. She hid her face on my shoulder, the sobs shaking her lanky body. I don’t know how long I was there, me and the Dragomirs, half asleep, half suffering. But night was already crawling outside of the windows when Lissa’s cries started subsiding. 

“I…” She pulled away, looking down at her hands. “I was thinking that… Maybe if… If you stay away for a while… Maybe it will be easier for him.” 

“Away?” If I wasn’t still holding Dogo, my hands would be shaking. “I’m your guardian. I’m always gonna be here. How could that help?” 

“He needs to understand that we are his parents and it’s us who he has to call for help when he needs it.” Lissa said, her voice barely a whisper. 

“He’s a baby, if I leave, he won’t understand...” 

“Please, Rose.” She interrupted me. Her eyes were on Dogo, ignoring my world falling apart completely. “I… Just… It would make me feel better.” 

I wanted to ask her what about me. What about what I felt? What about Dogo, how abandoned would he feel? I wanted to tell her that this wasn’t what motherhood was. Her needs could never be greater than her children’s. Being a mother wasn’t as different from being a guardian, in the end. 

They always came first. 

“Is that an order, your majesty?” 

“Rose,” She said as a warning, because she thought I was kidding, because she hadn’t looked into my eyes yet. The second she did, I think she would know. She would know how this would break me and I wouldn’t do it unless I was ordered to. 

“I asked if this was an order, your majesty.” 

Lissa finally looked at me, eyes too consumed in anger and spirit to see what she was doing. Before, this would have been my responsibility. I would have done anything to fix this. To make her better, to make us better. But this was no longer high-school. I had to learn how to take care of myself, to recognize my limits. She had to do the same for herself and do it quickly, because her son wasn’t getting any younger. 

“Yes. This is an order. I want you to stay away from my son.” Her voice suddenly softened, as if she finally came to. “At least for a while… At least…” 

Without letting her finish, I stood up and carried Alistair to his crib. There was no point. When was this going to end? When he was big? When his childhood memories were too shaky for him to know my name? What was I supposed to do until then? 

I carefully placed Dogo inside, tucking him in and making sure he wouldn’t be able to push the blankets in his sleep. I took his little hand and placed a kiss on it. My eyes were burning during the whole process. 

“Good-bye, Dogo.” I whispered and I hoped he could hear me, even if I doubted it. 

I stood up and walked to the door without turning back. If I turned back, I’d be lost. I’d do something crazy I would later regret. I would humiliate myself. Better not risk it. 

“Rose.” Lissa called me back as my hand was hovering over the doorknob. I stopped, but didn’t turn. “He’ll never be yours.” 

And for once tonight, she was right. 

“Did you two have a fight?” 

I must’ve ordered a burger with a side of questions, except the restaurant was out of burgers and having a two for one special. I took a deep breath and kept my eyes trained on the forest outside of the school walls. One of the reasons I asked to be assigned to the walls was that Dimitri, still Christian’s guardian, wouldn’t be there. 

Of course that, when he saw what I was trying to do, he didn’t have much trouble asking to be assigned to the same position I was in. Of course none of the other dhampirs really understood why two legends like us would choose to be in gate duty, but no one thought to question us. Gate duty in the snow really was a bitch. 

Except Dimitri, of course. He’d been questioning me all week. 

“Hardly call that a fight. It was more like a… Disagreement.” I finally decided to say, too bored to change the subject. 

“Did you disagree with her or did she disagree with you?” One of his eyebrows shot up. 

“I really don’t want to say bad words about the queen.” I said, biting the inside of my mouth. “But it was bad.” 

“How bad can it be when it’s you two?” He asked and it sounded rhetorical, but I knew it was a legitimate question. I had been thinking about it as well. It wasn’t like it had been in the past. It hadn’t been as explosive as before, but it also wasn’t resolved within a week. The simple fact that I was working out here instead of in there with her was a big sign that things were not great.

“Bad.” I managed to say and that pretty much summed up my mood. I tasted blood when I bit the inside of my mouth a little too hard. “But you don’t have to babysit me out here. I’ll be fine. I think Lissa is the one who needs help. And she doesn’t want me to be the one to give it to her. And that’s fine by me.” 

Dimitri side eyed me, considering my words. I could tell he really wanted to know what had been so serious that drove a wedge between us. He knew it had something to do with Dogo - everything revolved around him lately - but he wasn’t sure what was the problem. 

“Alright.” He concluded, finally. “I trust you.”

“Really?” I side-eyed him, trying to understand what was the catch. 

“Really. I’ve never been wrong about that before.” 

And by god, sometimes I really loved that smirk. Okay, a lot of times. 

And so, when the shift was over, he returned to his rightful place next to the royal family. 

And I remained outside in the snow. 

The gate wasn’t the only thing I did.

There was always work for guardians who wanted it, especially in such a small space where so many different people were trying to live with each other. There were doors to guard and long nights at the security central, and paperwork to be filled and students to be monitored after curfew and guests who were stepping out of line. If no one else needed me, work did and I was happy to oblige. 

I tried to take as many shifts as I could. Sometimes, there would be the raise of an eyebrow by someone at central, probably wondering if I could take so many hours in a row, but there weren't any complaints. I thought that, if I could get tired enough, I’d be able to sleep without thinking about Dogo. I wasn’t, not really. Every second I wasn’t working, I was thinking of him. What was he doing, if he was fitting in alright. I needed news more than I needed to breathe, but I didn’t dare ask. 

Dimitri would kindly give me some, though. He would mention something Dogo said or where he’d gone with Christian and him that day. I would savor these little pieces of information, but also hate them, wishing that I could be there myself. 

He wasn’t the only source of information, though. If there was one thing the Moroi knew what to do was how to talk shit about each other. And for such a small child, Dogo was developing quite the reputation as a difficult child, given to hissy fits and temper tantrums. I couldn’t believe they were saying this about the same child I had taken care of. I had to bite my tongue more than once to keep myself from defending him. He wasn’t my child and I was still a guardian. I wasn’t even supposed to be listening to any of this stuff. 

I didn’t see him again for almost a month. I was going back to my room after a shift, where hopefully - not realistically - I could have a dreamless sleep. I felt a bump against my legs. I looked down and there he was, my perfect boy. 

“Ose!” He said, barely able to see under his knitted hat, big fluffy coat and scarf. I looked around and saw he probably had been playing in the playground with the other babies that lived in the school - mostly dhampirs, much bigger than him. Christian was playing on his phone on a nearby bench, but Dimitri’s eyes were set on me. He didn’t say anything, but smiled in a conspiratorial way. “Big ‘ug!”

I knelt down and fixed the boy’s hat. Dogo was jumping in place waiting for his hug. He already looked so big. I wondered if that was what Lissa felt when she saw him again after the months we had spent at the cabin. I pulled him to my arms.

“Hi, Dogo.” 

“Dogo!” He pulled away and pointed at himself. “No Ali, Dogo.” 

I felt a twist in my stomach that informed me that I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be doing this. I would probably do more harm than good. But my exhausted limbs were frozen in place. 

“You’re Ali too.” I said with a shaky smile. “Only I can call you Dogo.” 

Dogo made a face. 

“I like Dogo.” Those words were new. He was so smart, putting them all together. I had no doubt he would be writing college essays before we all knew. He took some snow from the ground with his gloved hand and offered it to me.  _ Maybe not that fast. _ “Sno.” 

“Yeah, I know. Isn’t it pretty?” 

“Pwetty.” He agreed and jumped one more in place. He let go of the snow and pointed at me. “Fwend?” 

I let out a painful sound and nodded effusively. 

“Yeah. Yeah, Rose is your friend.” I took his little gloved hand and I squeezed it, even though none of us could feel it under the layers of protection between us. “I will always be your friend.” 

“Ose fwend.” He gave me a smile that hurt me more than any Strigoi ever could. I stood up faster than I thought I could. My eyes were burning. 

“Where’s your dad? Can you show me your dad?” He processed the request for a second and then turned around and pointed. Christian was also looking at us now, but he hadn’t tried to stop us. I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t. “That’s right. That’s your dad. Can you give him a big hug for me?” 

“Big ‘ug?” He asked, looking up. I nodded. “Okay, okay. Big ‘ug.” 

He ran off, almost tripping in his own pants and small boots until he got to the bench and hugged his dad’s knees. I left before he was halfway there. 

I found myself crying in Dimitri’s arms hours later. 

I hadn’t cried like that in a long time. Openly, loudly. Not since he had turned Strigoi, I thought. I was aware that one situation could never equate to the other. Dogo was alive and well, living with his very loving family in a place as safe as we could make it. 

So why did I feel he was somewhere I could never reach? 

“If you want to…” Dimitri said after a long time. “You know, there are… Options. We could… Have one.” 

I took a second to understand what he was talking about, what he was offering. A child. A child of our own. It wasn’t the first time he brought that up, but certainly the first since the fire.

He thought this was a deeper desire than it really was, a wish for motherhood. It wasn’t. I never really wanted to be a mother. And I don’t know if I would have become one if I could have chosen it. But I had to move on from that, I had to love him, because at the time, I was the only one I could. And I did, more than I ever hoped to do. 

No, I didn’t have to become a mother. I was already a mother. 

“I don’t want a child.” I managed to say, even though my voice was a rough mess. “I want  _ my _ child.” 

He didn’t say anything and I didn’t dare look in his eyes. I had never said this out loud before, but I had felt it in my bones since the woods. Putting it out there just made it more scary. If he dismissed this feeling - him of all people - I wouldn’t be able to take it. I already knew logically all that could be said, I had been telling myself that since we arrived. And yet, somehow, now that I had finally said it, the words came spilling out. 

“My child that I helped say the first words and give his first steps. My child that I nursed back to health when he was sick. That I bathed, that I put to sleep. That I killed to protect and I would kill again.”

_ That I fed my own blood so he could live.  _ What kind of sacrifice could be greater?

“I know that it’s not fair that I think of him like that... And I have no right. I never should have let it come to this, but what can I do when I just…” I hit myself in the chest, as if I could somehow rip Dogo out of there. Everything would be so much simpler if I could just do that. I took a deep breath, pulling away and trying to wipe away my tears. “Maybe Lissa is right. Maybe I should just stay away from them. Go somewhere else for a while.”

Dimitri held my hands, pulling them away from my face. 

“I never saw you run away from something before. I don’t think you want to start now.” 

I shook my head. 

“It’s not about what I want. It can never be. It’s what’s best for Do… For Alistair.” I stared at our hands, not knowing exactly what I was feeling. Was it shame? Could he really be right? Was I running away from something? I would have stood up alone and fought an army. But feelings like these? I never knew what to do with this. I looked up at him. “Why, what do you think I should do?” 

He let go of one of my hands, putting my hair behind my ears and carefully rubbing my tears off my face. 

“I think you should do what you think it’s best. And I’ll support you either way.” My hand squeezed his involuntarily. This sounded a lot like a good-bye. If I were to step away from the Court… Would he do it with me? “But… I also think, whatever you decide to do… You should talk to Lissa first.”

A puff of air escaped me before he even finished. 

“I think she made it pretty clear what she thinks about this whole ordeal.” 

“That was a month ago. And… Things haven’t been going well with Alistair… He has a hard time with them, even if he’s getting used to them again. They don’t understand him like you do.” My face twists in a grimace. He hadn’t told me this before - probably because he didn’t want me to feel this way, whatever the way I’m feeling is. I wanted to feel proud, but I can’t. I wanted Dogo to succeed as much as I wanted to be there for him while he did. It was confusing. “Just… Talk to her. As her friend. There’s no one in her life that knows her like you. Tell her how you feel and… Let her tell you how she feels too.” 

“You think that will work?” I asked, weakly playing with his fingers. 

“If it doesn’t, at least you tried. But you two owe it to yourselves to be honest after all these years, don’t you?” 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm the storm that I felt inside of me. 

“You know, sometimes, comrade…” I looked up at him. “I really hate that all-knowing smirk.”


	8. Grand go the Years, in the Crescent above them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title is inspired by Emily Dickinson's poem "Safe in their Alabaster Chambers (124)" that you can read here (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45719/safe-in-their-alabaster-chambers-124)

The security check this time wasn’t all high-fives and questions about the day. I was no longer the queen’s confidant. Even if I was still a respected Guardian, there were protocols to be followed. After our sudden estrangement, any red flags would be up. If anything were to happen to the queen, I would be suspect number one. You don’t get cleared from regicide more than once. 

A long time ago, I would have just gotten inside. The guardians had called to let them know I was there, but still I felt like I had to knock on the door. The gesture filled me with nostalgia of knocking on her dorm room late at night when both of us were supposed to be sleeping. I hung on to that feeling. I was here as a friend - something I never should have stopped being. 

The door opened and there she was. Our queen. Vasilissa Dragomir. My friend. My best friend. 

“Hi.” My eyes were immediately grabbed by her immense belly, that seemed to have gravity of its own. “You look… Big.” 

That made her smile. 

“Charming as usual.” She gestured her head so I would come inside, like this wasn’t the first time we had spoken in weeks. She went back to where I assumed she was sitting before, at the couch, leaving me to close the door and follow her. Everything felt so familiar. It was like waking up from a long sleep. 

I closed the door behind me and followed her. I sat on the center table in front of her. She didn’t comment on that. 

“I didn’t expect to see you…” She said and there was a glint of worry in her eyes. “Is everything okay?” 

I was halfway to saying yes, but I stopped myself. 

“No. Of course not.” My shoulders felt heavier and it was hard not to slouch. “I… I hate how we left things and I… I wanted to talk. If… If that’s okay.” 

She nodded slowly and I would have given anything to be able to see inside her head again. She scooted to the edge of the couch and took hold of my hands.

“Yeah, I… I hated that night too. I don’t… You know I didn’t mean those things. I was just… Tired and… Frustrated.” 

“I know.” I squeezed her hands. This was the best case scenario. I didn’t have to say anything. I could just blame it on her, let her apologize and apologize for what I could. But I couldn’t apologize. Not for loving Dogo. 

So I said the most honest thing I could muster.

“I don’t know what to do.” My chest pounded again with the pain that was already so familiar and yet I could never get used to. Only saying this in front of her had already brought tears to my eyes. Lissa was taken aback for a moment. It’d been years since she’d seen me cry. “I thought that giving you two the space you needed was going to work. Not for you, but… For me. And it’s not… Working. I… When I came back from Russia, you told me to never suffer in silence again and, uh… I don’t think I made it clear what I felt last time I was here. I wasn’t even sure how I was feeling last time I was here…” 

I had to look away from her because I couldn’t stand her expression. I didn’t know if it was confusion or if it was compassion and I didn’t like it either way. I needed to get everything out and if she sent me away, then I’d know it was time to go. I just had to get through this. 

“Well…” She said, carefully. “I’m listening.” 

How to say this? How to put to words what was such an abstract concept? How to gut myself and spread my entrails all over her center table? 

“I love Alistair.” I finally said, again, grabbing onto the greatest truth I could find. “I love him more than I should since I’m… I’m nothing to him.”

_ Nothing to him.  _ This hurt so much I could barely breathe. Once again I thought of our fight.  _ He’ll never be yours. _ It must have been terrible for her, feeling like she was nothing when she knew she was something. But she’d never know this pain… The pain of knowing you could never be anything and you desperately wanted to be. 

If I left the Court, if I had to leave him for good… How long would it be until he forgot me completely? Until he had so many words and maths in his brain that his childhood memories would flee? Until I was the only one who still had memories of a terrible time? Would someone tell him what I did for him? What would he feel in the future if he knew? Would he feel grateful to this stranger? Or would he be used to being tended by guardians and think I only did my duty and nothing else? 

“The time we spent alone, when I thought… I thought everything was gone and… There was nothing to be done but wait… He was the one thing that kept me sane. He needed me and I… I had to be there for him.” Why did my words sound so empty? Why couldn’t I describe the warmth that filled me when Dogo slept with his head on my shoulder, as if everything was right in the world? What words could I say that would come near to the sudden feeling of fear I had that made me look at him and check if he was breathing? “And believe me, I know how unfair this is. I have no illusions of… I don’t know what to… I’m not asking… I wouldn’t even know what to…” 

I let out a breath of air, frustrated with my inability to form coherent thoughts. I should have written all of this down. But then, again, the only thing that saved me was grabbing on to the truth. 

“I don’t know what to do.” My eyes were burning, my tears were running down my face. God, now I was gone. This had to be over soon. Maybe I should have just left. It would be less humiliating. “I wanted your plan to work, I wanted to keep my distance. I thought I could make this feeling go away the same way it started… But I couldn’t.” 

To my surprise, Lissa cleaned my tears with her fingers. When I looked up at her, she was crying too. She seemed about to say something, but I still wasn’t finished. I took her hands again.

“I don’t want to be his mother. He’s your son and he’ll always be your son. I saved him for you. Whatever came later was for him, but those first days were all for you. So you wouldn’t have to lose another member of your family.” I tried to regain some of my dignity, cleaning some of my tears with my sleeve and trying to breathe through my clogged nose. “But I… I want to be a part of his life. In whatever way I can be. I want to see him grow, even if it’s from the wings… And if I can’t do that, I’d had to— ” 

“Okay.” Lissa said and my ears almost popped from the suddenness. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“I said okay.” Her voice was weak and soft, but I knew she meant it. She cleaned her own tears and, against all odds, she smiled. “Your friend has a terrible habit of not considering your feelings when hers are in the line… Which is not fair considering how much you’ve always done for me.” 

“Liss…” I tried, shaking my head. She had brought me back to life after all. This wasn’t a debt you simply repaid. 

“No, please.” She asked, squeezing my hand back. “I understand now. I was so tired, so overwhelmed… Used to everyone coming at me for losing the Court, thinking I couldn’t handle things… I wasn’t thinking straight… I thought you wanted to take Alistair away from me. It’s what everyone was doing, just taking things. Nothing seemed mine anymore…” 

She shook her head and pulled our hands closer to her chest. 

“It had been so long that I had forgotten that… That I know you. And I know you would never do anything to hurt me… Even if it meant hurting yourself in the process.” 

We must’ve looked like two crazy people, clinging to each other in the middle of the living room, tears washing our faces. But it felt so important, so monumental, the steps both of us were taking that it hardly mattered. The whole Court could walk inside right now and see it and I wouldn’t care. 

“Come back to work.” She proposed, finally. “You can be with Alistair when I’m with him. You can teach me… What you know. And… I’m sure he’ll love to see you around.” 

That moment, I thought I’d burst out of pure joy. It felt too good to be true. Like it was a dream and I was about to wake up in a cold sweat like I did every night, further away from my child as one could be.

But when we hugged to seal the deal, it felt just like going home. 

“We have a cake, we have balloons. But where’s the birthday boy?” I asked, looking around the beautifully organized party hall. It was more of a formal event than anything else, much more formal than it would be for any other twelve year old. 

I knew the real party wouldn’t happen between these walls. But that was for us to worry about later. Appearances first. 

“You know very well where the rascal is.” Teased Christian, flicking the candles on the cake on and off with his magic. “Running around with his little band of misfits.” 

“I told him it was okay, as long as he got home in time to get ready.” Lissa dismissed my worry with a wave of her hand, overseeing a guest list on a clipboard. “I know how rare it is for all of them to get together. It’s good that they get some time to play.”

I checked my watch. 

“I’ll go check on him. Make sure he’s on time.” I said, stepping outside before they could stop me. Lissa had made it very clear that I wasn’t working today and I was a guest at the party. But the party hadn’t started yet and taking care of Dogo was no work. 

I found Alistair where he could normally be found. Atop of the monkey bars of the playground, with a little posse of kids around him, watching his every move. It was a familiar bunch, too. In the front row, as usual, his biggest fan, Aurora Dragomir, his little sister, with her glinting blue eyes and long blond hair in pigtails. Right behind her, Declan Ivashkov, with his usual sarcastic smile, a perfect imitation of his dad’s, surrounded by his siblings, the dhampir twins, Dana and Gabriel. It was a miracle to not see them fighting between each other. Alistair had this talent. When he spoke, everyone stopped to listen. 

“And when the moon was high on the sky and all the little kids thought they were safe…” He noticed me approach behind him and made a dramatic pause. “The monsters came out to play!”

“Monsters, huh?” I asked.

“So many of them!” He continued, looking at his friends, moving his arms dramatically. “Climbing over walls and dragging from under the streets.” 

“Fearsome.” I commented. 

“Can you knock it off?” He asked, rolling his eyes. “I’m trying to finish something here.” 

“You might want to wrap it up. You promised your mom you’d get ready on time.” I raised one eyebrow. After all the time he knew me, it was enough. His resolve started to crumble.

“Well…” He looked at his audience, and then back at me. “I read about cliffhangers just the other week. It’s nice for books, my teacher says.” He let me help him down from the monkey bars. “Sorry, guys, I’ll finish it later at the party!”

The others said their quick goodbyes and were quick to start chasing each other around the playground. All except one. A meek little thing, only 6 years old, I was proud to call my own. 

“Should I come?” 

Laura asked, still hugging her bear close to her chest. Dimitri kept telling me it was a phase and I was going to miss it someday. He was probably right. It took a while before I decided perhaps I was ready for a kid. To face the consequences that having a dhampir with dhampir parents would bring, being such famous people. As it turns out, it hadn’t been as dire as it had seemed at first. Time had flashed by in an instant. Even if her future was uncertain, her present was pretty happy. I knelt next to my daughter and put her hair behind her ears. 

“No, sweetie. You already look perfect. Does dada know you’re here?” She nodded in response. I kissed her perfect chubby face. “Perfect. Then go play. I’ll come pick you up when it’s time, okay? Try not to get dirty.” 

“I’ll try.” She murmured before dragging herself away. 

While I watched her go, I reminded myself that no child was like another. The living proof was all over this playground. Such contrasting personalities, such different little people. And I always surprised myself at how much we loved them even so. It wasn’t that I liked children. It was that I loved them for what they would become. 

I offered Alistair my hand and he made a face. After looking around to make sure no one was seeing it, he took it. 

“Thanks for telling me about the time. I would have been late.” He said as we made for the palace. It took years to rebuild and there was still a lot more to do, but it looked every bit as glorious as before, and now much more secure. “Did you like my story?” 

“Could use some flavor.” I said, moving my head from side to side, as if I was not sure. “But it sounded exciting. Just my kind of story.” 

We got into their apartment, which was empty with both of his parents making sure the party would be perfect. Alistair took his clothes out before even reaching the bathroom, scattering them around. He jumped into the shower while I picked everything up, putting it on the hamper. I kept telling Lissa to not let him do this, but bad habits were hard to break. 

I sat at the living room, waiting for him to be ready. He came out soon enough, with the clothes his mother had left for him. As usual, I helped him with his tie, checked if his shirt was properly tucked. I brushed his hair back and marveled at how much he looked like his dad. 

Before we could leave the apartment, though, I took his hand. 

“Just a sec, I have something for you. Is it okay if I give you before the party?” 

“Okay.” He turned around, smiling in anticipation for a present.

“You know why I call you Dogo, right?” 

He nodded. Dogo knew all of the stories. Dogo loved stories. Happy stories, sad stories. Specially scary stories. He had never been scared in his life - or at least, he didn’t remember being. Scary stories were just for fun. 

“Because it was my first word. You told me.” 

“Well... There’s a reason I’m the only one who calls you that.” So as a gift, I give him his story. It’d been long enough that I could tell it fast and I could tell it right. I pinched his nose playfully by the time I was done. “In the end, your mom agreed to let me be here, to let me see you grow. And I’m so proud of the person you’re becoming.” 

Alistair seemed a little dazed, but smiled nonetheless. 

“Really?” 

“Yes.” I took out a velvet box from my pocket. “I want you to know what… No matter what happens. No matter if the little kids think they’re safe and the monsters come crawling from under streets or climbing out of walls… You’ll never be alone.” 

I opened the box, revealing the locket I had made. It said  _ Dogo  _ on the back. Inside, there was a picture taken at last year’s christmas. His family and mine, sitting each on one side of a decorated tree, with him in the middle. He looked at it for a long time, his finger caressing the side of the locket. 

“Do you like it?” I asked. 

He nodded. 

“I love it. Thank you, Rose.” Dogo crossed the distance between us and put his arms around me, just like he did when he was no more than a baby. “Big hug.” 

He murmured. I hugged him back, just like I did when he would fit in my arms so flawlessly. I knew we were probably going to be late for the party if we didn’t leave soon, but for those short moments, I couldn’t care less. 

Because everything seemed worth it for that one moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone who read it all the way here!   
> I read VA and Bloodlines for the first time this year and I had such a great time and I wanted to expand on what was left open for interpretation.   
> If you liked this one, maybe you'll like my one-shot prequel fic about how Lissa and Rose met, it's called Hugs, also posted here on AO3.   
> In the future I'm contemplating writing about the grown up kiddos, but we'll see how it goes.   
> Thanks for all your comments and kudos and I hope to see you around!


End file.
